Watching Your Language: Osama Bin Laden is Still Very Dead

Life: Highway?

Unmatched musical genius and author of the enduring, endearingly encephaletic recording artist Tom Cockring once sang that "Life is a Highway." Not only that, no interpretation was necessary to see that he fully intended to ride that highway throughout the present evening and into the morn, hinting hot so subtly that there would be very little worry concerning which way he was going to travel or with whom. Actually, he seemed almost blase about the entire issue. If somebody happened to be going his way, Cockring assured the world that he was going to drive it all night long. Whether he's talking about a fabled metaphoric highway that existed in the high barley and wheat fields of poetic license or was just talking about banging a $2 whore for the night and then sleeping it off in a Motel 6 off the highway. The answer, my fellow grammar detectives, assuredly rests in the linguistic device employed by Cockring. He said "Life is a highway," and not "Life is like a highway," which makes all the difference in the world. Behold the metaphor in all its glory: a literary device that would change the world, not just for rock and roll musicians and unshaven hitchhikers, but the song would single-handed fuse the world of hobos and rockers who look like hobos. It was a great story: life, a highway, driving it all night long ... and nobody loves a great story more than Hollywood.

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http://lyrics.wikia.com/Tom_Cochrane:Life_Is_A_Highway

At Play in the Fields of the Lord of the Flies

Talented as Tom Cockring was, filmmakers saw the material as Grade A "highway movie," as a potential  blockbuster, and needed a star who could convincingly play a Cockring-esque hobo willing to ride a highway until David Lynch said stop. Only two men in the business fit the task: Gary Busey and Nick Nolte. Gary was, of course, busy starring as Nolte on Broadway in "The Nick Nolte Story." Similarly, Nolte was just finishing retakes on his role as Busey in "The Life and Times of Gary Busey." Both men could pull off the venerable, hip highwayman that Cockring portrayed in his videos, but which man would bite first? 

Left: Gary Busey after getting struck by lightning. Right: Nick Nolte after getting struck by Gary Busey.

  

Hubba Hubba Hubba  

 

Mayflower Titanic survivor Mary Astor was dating Nick Nolte's spirit guide and frequent Art Bell guest Hummingbird Henry, who between bigfoot research expeditions to his rustic cabin in the Alaskan wilderness. "Every time I hear Jacqueline du Pré play the Elgar Cello Sonata, I am moved to tears," he was once quoted as saying. 

This is tornado damage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Huckabee Huckabee Huckabee

Keep on rockin' in the free world... Keep on rocking in the free world...One love, dudes!

This man wants to be your president, my president, his president, her president. He wants to be president of the PTA. He wants to be President of the Church. Speaking of freaks... 

Current Pope John Ratzenberger settles down at St. Peter's Roadhouse for a brewski. 

 

 

 

 So, Pope John Paul II is going to be a saint because he allegedly cured a Romanian woman of Michael J. Fox Disease. Parkinson's is thought to be a by-product of time travel. Time travel can be an embarrassing kind of problem for the likes of popes who happened to wave a little too straight. 

Golden Years: Nazi Pope Ratzinger salutes the Fuhrer on his Facebook page before his after school job loading cattle cars.

Great Scott!
I don't know about you bitches, but I'm going to the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance with Dirk Nowitzki. And if that nigga's too busy coming the bone out of his hair, then I'm going with that dreamboat Calvin Klein. That mother fucker says he's got four fucking TVs in his house. And color! WTF? My dad won't let anything colored in the house. Black and white is it for him. A perfect metaphor for keeping us all separate, but equal. And by equal we mean if you brown, better not come around. Especially to the Woolworth lunch counter for lunch. You really want to eat at the dime store, Mr. Gildersleeve? Well aint that a bitch.

So Life May Be a Highway, But You Shit the Bed, Cockring!
"From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's light"
You moron... you can't drive a car up the Khyber Pass. It's the fucking Hindu Kush. Now go fuck yourself . I gave you all you needed to win this argument. I gave you a chance. You blew it, Cockring! You fucking blew it. Big Time! Fuck you.